Twelve Bar Blues

Geez.  Today was hard.  And there really is no reason.  

Maybe I'm getting some 3rd trimester emotions? 

I have cried three times so far.  Cried hard.

First because I was hungry and I didn't know what to make for lunch.  (Like I was bawling.) 

Second because I was so tired and I missed Hunter.  (Again, sobs.)

Third because I went for a walk and Hey Jude came on my iphone.  And that made me cry. 

But the last cry was less pathetic. 

 Because how long has it been since I've listened to Hey Jude really loud without any distractions?  

I think that should make anyone cry. 

Now I am writing this- then going to make dinner to some really loud Beatles. 

(Me as an infant with sleepy tears in my eyes.  This is kind of how I felt today.) 

Store-Bought Cinnamon Rolls

Today I bought Cinnamon Rolls from Albertson's Bakery.  

This was a triumph for me.  

I have a church meeting in the morning and as we planned it a few months ago- we decided to include a light breakfast. I volunteered for my assignment- Cinnamon Rolls.  

I make the BEST cinnamon rolls.  It's a mixture of a fantastic recipe, years of perfecting and a lot of cream cheese frosting.  

There are certain events each year where people plan on my rolls.  I am always happy to make them and feed people the best of the best.  

I believe that sacrifices for really good homemade food should always be taken and it's always worth it.  And yeah- I like it when I get the compliments.  

But today.  Today I am pregnant.  And a multi-step baking project that pans (pun intended) over three to four hours of tasks sounded overwhelming.  

But I can still do it!  I'm not going to let pregnancy and eventually my baby and then more babies get in the way of my culinary skills or my compliments!  

Then I chilled out.  "Natalie, why do you really have to make HOMEMADE cinnamon rolls?"  

I argued with myself for about ten minutes.  

Then I went to lunch with my mom.  She discussed homemade vs. store bought rolls with me for like twenty minutes.  Because she is a great mom.  And she understands the seriousness of my dilemma. 

Of course I should make them: 

"Homemade rolls are ACTUALLY cheaper."

"I know the recipe SO WELL- and I get the steps done so fast. "

"They really are the most delicious thing ever. "

And the opposing- Who cares!? 

"In the morning a frosted piece of bread is a frosted piece of bread. "

"$10 for a night free of dishes sounds amazing."

"I could get compliments for my homemade success, or I could take a nap." 

When we parted- still undecided I threw all this data into a cost vs. benefits equation in my head.... 

Then- and most importantly- I multiplied it by the advice I have heard moms give me for years, advice that I swore when I was the mom I was going to take to heart immediately:

"You can't do it all.  And that's okay.  Don't ever feel guilty that it's not all done!"

Bing!  

All of a sudden it was very clear that I am going to go buy those darn Cinnamon Rolls.

Really- I need to get over my pride, the OCD patch on my shoulder and the selfish thoughts that will actually take me AWAY from being a better mom.  

This was the first of many many thousands of decisions of the same kind that I will have to make as a mom.   It doesn't mean that I'm NEVER going to make my fantastic homemade rolls again.  It just means that my focus, my purpose, my "season" is changing.  

And honestly.  I love it. 

Maybe waiting years for babies has helped me reach a bunch of "ah-ha" moments before the added stress of being MOM.  

So instead of feeling lazy, GUILTY or like I was cheating everyone out of seriously delicious breakfast cake- I felt TRIUMPHANT! 

This was my first decision as a mom.

My first mom decision to choose the health, comfort, and the well being of myself and my baby over "being able to do it all". 

And everything and everyone is going to be fine.  

Except me- I'm better than fine- because I am the mom.  

And I don't have to make cinnamon rolls and I am going to take a nap. 

Tips for Getting To Christmas In Peace

This year my pre-Christmas life has been most awesome and calm and enjoyable.  As I've been mentally just reviewing some of the steps I've taken and goals I've followed through with to get to this point- I thought I'd share.  I'm sure many people have these same ideas or even better ones.  But I want to remember this for next year and probably add on to it every year:

How to Get to Christmas in Peace:

1.  Keep the kitchen clean.
This has not always happened, but as I've kept dishes done and counters clean, projects and baking and cooking haven't been as stressful.  Projects take a lot less time as I don't have to first clean up before I start.  It also feels really good to wake up or come home to a clean kitchen.  I don't feel like I have as much to do.

2.  Wrap presents as you buy them.
It really works.  I know it's difficult at times, but I at least kept up on it.  Every few days I'd wrap for 30 minutes or so.  Put on some Christmas music or a movie.  I gathered all the stuff - gift wrap, tape, extra tape for when that other tape runs out, two pairs of scissors, ribbon, tags, tissue paper- all of it so I didn't have to keep stopping and getting up to get more supplies.   Wrap as you go.  This is age old advice but it really keeps the burden down.

3. Shop online or pre-shop online.
I love shopping.  So much.  I actually like crowds and busy-ness.  But the problems for me at Christmas time is 1.-availability of merchandise and 2. time itself.  So like everyone says- go out early.  Which I have always done, but this year I added a lot more shopping online and pre-shopping online.  So when it came time to actually go purchase gifts- I knew what I wanted.  So my time in the stores was not frustrating, but productive.   If I didn't know what to get my Mom- I browsed amazon.com for some time snuggled on the couch or when I had a minute at work.  Then when I found what I knew would work- I took myself to the mall to pick it up!  So I get my "reality" shopping in while not having to wander around and get nothing done.  Or I just bought it online.  Amazon is AMAZING.

4. Limit your self to certain tasks per day or certain hours per day
This one was huge this year.  I usually try to cram in as much every day as possible and then still feel like I got nothing done because my lists were still full of things I wanted to do or I didn't finish all my projects for the day..  So I kept telling myself "just do this one thing today and see how it gets done completely".  Or "today I'm only going to shop for one hour and then go home". Or "today I need a nap".   And I was okay with that.  

5. Go to an extra school music concert
As a choir teacher I'm surrounded by Christmas music all the time.  Every year I have two concerts with my students and I always count those as my Christmas concert attendance.  Honestly, Natalie?  Being in charge of a concert of 110 junior high singers is not exactly the most peaceful event.  Haha.  So this year Hunter and I made it a point to get to an extra concert where I was not in charge and we got to sit in the audience and just partake.  I loved it.  And it actually made me reflect on my singers and how well they're doing and it got me excited about what I learned and how I can help my singers improve.  And of course it gave us some quiet time to feel Christmas.

6. Read all the scriptures under "Jesus Christ" for scripture study this month.
Seriously.  This one is awesome.  There are a ton of scriptures about the Savior- obviously.  But I've been going through each heading- "Jesus Christ, Advocate", "Jesus Christ, Birth of"...etc.   It really helps me keep Jesus in every day.  I am touched and amazed as I connect different ideas to one another and feel of HIS love.

7. Enlist help
Our small family includes me and Hunter for now.  Usually as I put up Christmas decorations or shop or cook or bake, I take control and want it all to be perfect.  This year I've allowed myself to let imperfections arise.  Hunter and I finally successfully decorated our Christmas tree without an argument; he has helped a ton with kitchen clean up, decorating and cooking.   And it really is better to do everything with him than on my own, right?  That just makes everything feel more cozy.

8. Do not listen to Christmas music all the time.
I don't know what is up in my OCD head but every year at Christmas I feel like I HAVE to listen to Christmas music all the time from Black Friday till Christmas.  I feel like I'm not truly "living in the season" or "getting the most out of Christmas" if I'm not tuned in to Jingle Bells, Feliz Navidad and the First Noel all the time.  I think "this is the only time of year I can listen to this stuff so I need to soak it all in".  Not this year.  Yes, most of my car drives and home tunes have been Christmas music- but I've taken the time to find my favorite albums and songs from years back.  It is so fun to listen to my favorite album from five years ago or a sweet playlist I forgot about.   Music is all about making you happy and giving you the "life is so good" feeling.  And when I finally realized that Christmas music for 5 weeks straight wasn't going to do that for me- I felt quite a bit more merrier.


That's all for now.  If I think of more I'll edit them in.

Much Needed Pedicure

Today I cried at lunch.

I cried because I realize that school has REALLY started.  I must have been in denial for the last few days as teachers went back and then yesterday was the actual first day of school.  I honestly was pretty content with all the teacher mumbo jumbo business- meetings, long lunches, getting our classrooms ready, making copies.....  

Even the first day of school.   It's always fun to meet your new classes, the students in them and try out all your new approaches to the year.  I was totally motived to get up early, have a nice breakfast, I even got a good workout in after school.  

But then today.  Oh today.  Today I realized Summer is over and this is my life again.  

I must have been in denial because usually I cry the night before school starts.

Some of you think I'm being cute or trying to creative as I write this post.  Some may think I'm being silly when I say I cried.  Or perhaps thinking that it's just a mopey sad feeling.  Or that I really didn't shed tears.  

I'm actually kinda mad, depressed, shocked and quite simply: mourning my past life.  

My past life of:

-amazing vacations (Puerto Rico, Boston)

-sleeping in

-waking up early to go to the gym IF I WANTED TO

- trying new recipes

- shopping

- keeping up on all my household chores

- going to lunch everyday.  everyday.  (Hunter will witness this was true.)

- decorating my house

- going to the Temple during the day when it's not so busy

- throwing dinner parties

- not feeling depressed on Sunday nights

- feeling like I can take on new tasks, responsibilities, and opportunities because I have the time.

- crafts

- leaving the craft mess out because I could clean it up tomorrow

- being able to babysit for friends and family

- swimming and lounging by the pool

- spending hours with my mom doing frivolous errands and talking the whole time

- driving into Phoenix to have lunch with Todd

- doing the dishes everyday

- serving in my Ward more

- reading time

- internet wasting time

- blogging time

- organizing time

- having quiet time

- having loud music blaring time

- having time.

Now my days will be spent:

-waking up early

- having to put makeup on immediately in the morning

- putting on a friendly face when my brain is still asleep

- teaching in incredibly hot classrooms that do not have sufficient AC

- making copies

-thinking about what's coming up next

- filling out papers for everything

- going to meetings

- writing POs

- reading 60 emails a day about stuff I don't care about

- writing 60 emails a day about stuff I don't care about

- working out after a long HOT day of telling students to be quiet when I'd rather go to sleep

-coming home to chores, dinner making, and all the things I HAVE to do because tomorrow I don't have TIME because I have to go to WORK. 

I'm being very negative.  

Honestly.  I don't really want to say this next stuff but I think it will be therapeutic to do so. 

I have an amazing job.

I am truly blessed to HAVE a job.

I work with fantastic colleagues, students and parents.

My schools are 1 and 4 miles away from my house. 

I have a long lunch.

I teach CHOIR so there are no state mandated tests or really requirements or pressure.

I teach CHOIR so my students actually WANT to be in my class. 

I teach choir so my lesson planning is VERY basic.

I get to work with people.

I get to influence children for the better every day.

I get lots of holidays and breaks.

I get to be the boss of my classes.

Enough of that.  

Mom took me for a pedicure this afternoon.   It helped me calm myself down.  Realize there is still time in my life for enjoyable activities.   It helped me to come home and do the dishes and laundry that I have avoided for three days.  It helped me COOK dinner rather than whine to Hunter and say "Let's go out to eat".   It helped me realize life goes on.  And it helped me get my feelings out in this post.  

I cried because I remember what this is like again.  

Anyways....

Here are some classroom shots:

And the pedicure that brought me back to reality:

178 school days until Summer.