1. Have a Plan
Hunter and I really did our homework before having a baby. We read books and blogs, searched Pinterest for lists and articles, and made our own lists. It may seem overwhelming because there is so much information out there- but I took a day or two of my week to read and research for a few hours. Then I took some days off. But more than anything- we talked to people. Talked to moms I knew- also nurses, family members etc. Anyone that had baby experience, I talked to them and asked them questions. I even had a few friends I would email regularly with bazaar questions. They were all so willing to share advice and help and answer my questions. (Thank you, girls!) Hunter and I took the information that rang true to us and made our plan. I literally wrote down some notes and lists and reminders. But mostly, Hunter and I talked together about how we imagined taking care of a newborn.
I also read up a lot on breastfeeding. This was such a huge help! Breastfeeding was the main focus of our plan and I honestly had a lot of anxiety about it not working out. I know now though, that because I studied so much about feeding- it really helped me be successful. I knew ahead of time what challenges most moms face- the pain, the sleepy babies, the trouble with latching- and I was ready for them! When lactation consultants came to visit us in the hospital I felt like I knew everything they were talking about! It was so nice that it wasn't all brand new information.
2. Be ready to Deviate from the Plan
Once our "perfect plan" was in place- we realized that this would be the ideal and that our baby will probably not fit perfectly in our plan. That was actually one of the biggest advice topics that moms of all ages gave me- be flexible. I have to remind my self of this one pretty much every day! I get caught up in the hourly "plan" and frustration sets in. Then I take a step back and look at my nurturing as a whole for the last three weeks. And I feel much better. The biggest thing to learn is that parts of the plan will change every day as I assess the needs of my newborn. And the "plan" will also change as he grows older and older. But most of the plan has actually worked! I am so glad that we prepared for our baby.
3. Take Advice
As we did our homework, taking advice was huge. I was willing to listen to anyone's thoughts, techniques, challenges and strengths in parenting a newborn and beyond. I just wanted to gather information. In the hospital after Henry was born- we had a wide range of nurses. Their knowledge and personalities were all very different. But even there- I asked questions and let them tell me all they wanted about taking care of baby. Some knew a ton about breastfeeding. Some advised simply on being flexible. Family, friends and even strangers have been giving me all sorts of advice all the time. I take it.
4. Leave Advice
And then I leave it. As the mom, I have learned that Hunter and I know what is best for our baby. As we follow our common sense and the Spirit we are the best resource for raising our child. But- knowledge is power! So all that advice and information that I've stored up is mine. Some people told me things and I immediately deleted from my parenting pool of tricks. Some people told me things that I will never forget because I knew they applied to me and my family. And most stuff- I remember as it happens to me. Lots and lots of this mothering you just have to learn from experience. But because I took advice as things happen- I don't stress about them because I remember "oh yeah- so and so said that would happen".
But anyways. Leave advice I don't need. Strong opinions about topics I don't care about- leave it. A specific problem that will probably not happen to me (or most mothers)- leave it. Absolute "facts" from lactation consultants that make you squirm- leave it.
5. Call My Mom
My mom just always knows what to say. Or not say. She'll just listen when I need to talk about every single thing that Henry and I did that day. She let's me tell her his exact schedule over and over. And then how he changed the schedule today. She lets me tell her my new strategies for parenting each day- sometimes twice a day. I tell her what I read about raising babies. I tell her that I'm frustrated because Henry's still crying. I tell her how I feel. How my stitches still hurt. Or how I want to take a nap. Or how I did take a nap and how great it was! I tell her every day how much Henry slept each night.
She tells me that Henry is the cutest most adorable baby. She tells me that I'm doing a great job. She tells me to feed him when he's hungry. She tells me to let him sleep longer when I think I should wake him up. She tells me to calm down. She tells me to not stress. She tells me it will all be okay.
6. Say No
This was on a lot of lists I read online. Say no. Say no to too many visitors. Say no to answering texts right away. Say "maybe later" when visitors want to come over immediately. Say no to picking up every single phone call. People will be just fine. No one has been mad or upset. Everyone totally understands. I've been surprised at how many HOW MANY people want to come visit! It's seriously makes me so happy and feel so incredibly loved at all the contact we have had as a family to welcome Henry. But at the same time- he needs to eat, I need to eat, he needs to sleep and boy do I need to sleep.
7. Say Yes
"Can I bring you dinner?" Yes
"Can I run to the store for you?" Yes
"Can I bottle your tomatoes for you?" Yes
"Want me to bring you lunch?" Yes
I've also learned that saying "Sure! I'll take it! Thank you so much!" is an easier and less bratty way to say "Yes".
8. Be the Mom
Another title for this one could be "have confidence"! Again- what Hunter and I feel is best for Henry is probably best for Henry. Sometimes I second guess myself or feel inadequate or like I have no idea what I am doing. Hunter told me that "95% of parenting is confidence". I'm not sure that is true- but it has helped me a ton these last few weeks. I can do this! I did my homework! I have lots of help! I'm a smart, capable person! I called my Mom! I am Henry's mom and I can do this.
9. Cry
But sometimes I really do feel that I have no idea what I am doing. And so I cry! I cry because I'm tired. I cry because it's nighttime! I cry because Henry's crying! I cry because I love Henry so much! I cry because I love Hunter so much! I cry because everyone is showing their love so much!
To be honest though, I do love a good cry. I have friends that hate it. But for me it's such a great emotional experience. If I'm sad, I feel a release. If I'm frustrated, I feel validated. If I'm happy, I feel more joy.
I've been lucky to have limited baby blues and emotional hormones. But with all the "new" parts of life- how can you not cry?! Especially when I have sweet little Henry in my arms. Geesh. He makes me melt.
10. Find the Familiar
This is a "new life". Literally- a new person, a new human, a new baby. And it is a new life for me! One of the biggest parts of parenthood that I was anticipating was feeling very very VERY different. I thought my whole being, my whole self was going to feel like a different person. I thought every aspect of my home, my feelings, my thoughts, my relationships was going to change forever.
It didn't.
And I'm so glad. There's just more added to who I am. But I'm still me. Whew.
Yet- I still had to FIND THE FAMILIAR. This one may be hard to explain. Here are two examples:
--- We had so many loving people bring us food for the first week and a half. Such a blessing! But really- other people's home cooking is just not familiar. As I was dealing with so many changes in my new added parts of life (less sleep, breastfeeding all the time, loving a new baby etc.) I ached for basic familiarity. I wanted to make my own food. So I did. Having those familiar dinners helped so much. That food that I was used to really was the most comforting food ever. So next time, I will make some frozen dinners to throw in with everyone's service dinners.
--- Our first days at home were so peaceful and wonderful. But they really weren't our normal days. In the evenings I got a little more emotional. Everything had been so quiet. It made me anxious. After a couple of days, Hunter turned on Netflix at night to the shows we had been watching the last few months. Ahhhhhh. I felt so much better! This was us. We are still the same people. I'm glad we didn't start brand new shows right when baby was born- that would have been just more newness. The overlap of our shows and Henry's arrival really was therapeutic to feel normal. To find the familiar.
I've just relished in the parts of my life that are still the same. I still have to go harvest the garden every day. Hunter still has to mow the lawn. Even doing laundry makes me feel normal. I still read my blogs every day. I still browse pinterest and instagram each day. I still pray in the morning and at night.
Life with a new baby just ADDS to who I am and what I have to do. It doesn't change me or who I am.
